


Back to Work

by Cinnamon68



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7923733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamon68/pseuds/Cinnamon68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 'The Kiss', Bernie and Serena go back to work as they wonder how to deal with the situation.    Bernie feels more guilt.  Serena's in shock, and they are both avoiding each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bernie was taken by surprise by the heat of Serena's return kiss. She had leaned in and kissed her friend and colleague as a spur of the moment thing; she hadn't expected it to be reciprocated. Had hoped, perhaps. She certainly hadn't expected Serena to be returning the kiss with such fervour. And it felt good, _very_ good, if Bernie were honest with herself. Bernie felt Serena's tongue slide between her lips and she parted them, heard the moan that emanated from her mouth. That seemed to spur Serena on as she pulled the distraught woman closer to her, offering comfort. Her left arm tightly round Bernie, whilst her right hand cupped her face and then slid into Bernie's hair, dislodging her bobble as she slid her fingers through the blonde strands. Serena held Bernie as tightly as she could, bemoaning the fact that the surgical gowns they were both wearing impeded movement. Bernie clung on to Serena as she continued to kiss her as if their lives depended upon it. Breathless, they broke apart, still holding each other tightly. Serena stroked Bernie's hair as her head settled on her shoulder. Bernie nuzzled Serena's neck, as Serena kissed the top of Bernie's head as both women lost themselves in sensation.

 

Suddenly, both women jumped as Serena's pager went off, sounding extremely loud in the now quiet operating theatre. Scrambling to stand up and right themselves, Serena stole a glance at Bernie, who was looking away, embarrassed.

 

“Ah, sorry about that,” Bernie managed, although she wasn't exactly sure what she were apologising for. Throwing her surgical gown it in the bin, she smoothed her royal blue scrubs. Bernie watched as Serena strode over to the phone to answer her pager. Hearing Serena respond, it sounded like it was Hanssen on the other end of the phone. Serena placed the receiver down, turning to Bernie, she said,

 

“That was Hanssen wanting an update. I'll go to ICU and check on Fletch, then fill him in. Can you…”

 

Before the words were out of Serena's mouth, Bernie picked up on what her colleague wanted.

 

“Check everything is OK on AAU, and the Trauma Unit?” She said with a small smile, as she turned to take her leave.

 

As Bernie reached the door, she heard Serena call to her, but chose to ignore it, not able to deal with the consequences of what had just happened yet.

 

“Bernie…” the word hung in the air as she exited the theatre and Serena stood there wondering what had just happened.

 

Gathering herself, Serena left the theatre to change before going to the ICU. Fletch had been settled in and was being monitored closely. The nurse assigned to him, Kelly, with whom Serena had a nodding acquaintance, was busy checking the fluids and calculating Fletch's fluid balance. Kelly checked the catheter, frowning when she noted that no urine had appeared for the last half hour. She glanced at the monitor, showing his BP, from his arterial line in his left arm.

 

“Ms Campbell,” Kelly began. “I was just going to call someone. His BP has fallen and his urine output is tailing off. He's on maximum dobutamine, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm concerned his kidneys aren't well perfused.”

 

 _Good Call,_ Serena thought. “Who's the intensivist assigned to Fletch?” she asked out loud.

 

“Dr Shaw.” Kelly replied, referring to the lead consultant for the ICU. “It's his day off, but he came in especially.” She added, smiling.

 

Serena was gratified; Graeme Shaw was one the best anaesthetists and intensivists, she had ever worked with. She overlooked the fact that he was a friend of Edward's. Having reviewed Fletch's charts, and examined the man, Serena prescribed a dopamine infusion. As she looked up she noted Kelly had called a colleague over and was already drawing up the dopamine, and making up a standard strength solution. _Well anticipated,_ Serena thought, as she said,

 

“I'll just check Dr Shaw is happy, but I think we need to use dopamine as well as the dobutamine.”

 

“Someone mention my name?” The gruff tones of Graeme Shaw penetrated the air.

 

Serena took him to the side and explained her plan. He nodded in agreement.

 

“We need to get his blood pressure up,” he said gravely. “The next few hours will be critical, as you know.”

 

Serena ran hand through her hair as she looked down at the ventilated Fletch, taking his hand in hers.

 

“Please, we can't lose him.” Serena felt tears prick at the corner of her eyes.

 

“I know,” Kelly replied quietly, as she placed her own hand over Serena's giving a squeeze of reassurance. “We'll take very good care of him, I promise. He's one of our own.”

 

Serena smiled weakly at that, as she said. “I know he's in good hands. Now I need to see Hanssen.”

 

“And how is the lanky Swede?” Graeme laughed. “Still polishing his sousaphone?”

 

“It's very possible; it helps him think. Seriously though, I don't think he's slept since this whole thing began. I'd better go, you know how he hates to be kept waiting!”

 

“See you later, Serena. Don't be a stranger!” Graeme Shaw called to a retreating Serena.

 

Once in Hanssen's office, Serena gave him an update on Fletch's condition, wishing she had better news. Hanssen looked his usual stoic self, but the dark circles under his eyes, and the pallor of his skin, told the story of a man trying to hold everything together, against the odds. Wearily he rose and said, “I need to go to the ED, and then do another press announcement. We need to keep the public informed."

 

 

Bernie received an update on the patients from Raf, as she did an impromptu ward round on AAU. The poor man looked ragged and she knew it must have been difficult for him to speak to Fletch's children. Having managed to discharge a couple more patients and rationalise treatment on a few more she felt that she was back in control. Only Stephanie Sims was giving her cause for concern, and she felt she was on top of that.

 

“You should go home.” Bernie said to Raf after he asked her what she wanted him to do.

 

“No, no. I need to stay."

 

At that moment, Sacha Levy made his way over to the pair, smiling.  “How's things?" he greeted.  "I've come to offer my humble services, as Keller seems quiet now, and Ric is staying on."

 

Bernie smiled broadly. “There you go, Raf, now there's no excuse. Go and see Fletch, then go home and don't come back here until tomorrow!”

 

“Yes, Ma'am!” Raf mock saluted, but was happy to go knowing that Sacha was there and Serena would most likely be returning soon. AAU was in good hands. He was pleased to see everyone pulling together and giving their all in the aftermath of the helicopter crash.

 

Bernie gave Sacha a run down of the ward and current situation, and asked if he would take over Stephanie Sims' care, as she was finding it very difficult to deal with the woman. She had the utmost respect for Connie, having seen her at work in the ED, on the occasions she had been called down to a trauma. She couldn't understand Stephanie's actions, especially endangering the life of a child. She knew Sacha would feel the same way, but that he would deal with Steph with the kindness and compassion, that she was unable to show. He had a big heart.  After checking with Lou, who had competently taken charge of the ward in Fletch's absence, Bernie retreated to her office to catch up on paperwork. As she sat down at her desk, the events of the last few hours caught up with her. The thought that Fletch was fighting for his life, and that it was her fault caused a renewed pang of guilt. As she closed her eyes images of Serena and her kissing flooded into her mind. Her heart lurched and breath hitched as she remembered Serena holding her, kissing her and comforting her and fervently telling her that it was not her fault.  she remembered the intensity of the look that passed between them prior to the kiss and then an image of Alex filled her thoughts and she felt the guilt move up another notch. Had she kissed Serena in the heat of the moment? How did she feel about her colleague who had become a good friend in the last few months? Did she feel more for her than friendship, and if so where did that leave her and Alex? _Oh God, my life is such a mess!_ Bernie thought as she dropped her head in her hands. How was she ever going to face Serena again.

 

Serena phoned AAU from Hanssen's office. Lou assured her that all was under control, and that Sacha Levy had come to help, so Serena felt no guilt in returning to ICU to visit Fletch, and Anne, to see how they were getting on. She could also visit Connie. She knew the ED clinical lead was on the mend and probably going out of her mind with worry. It also gave her an excuse not to have to face Bernie just yet. What had she been thinking? When Bernie had kissed her she had been stunned, but then she just went with it and kissed her back. Butterflies invaded her stomach as she remembered the feel of Bernie's lips under hers and how Bernie felt in her arms. Serena tried to sort out her tangled feelings, wondering if she could ever face Bernie again.

 

 

 


	2. Reaction Part1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena's thoughts on 'The Kiss' as she moves into the evening of that fateful day. The next chapter will be Bernie's POV. I promise all the angst will be worth it, in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have written in a host of original characters, as I wanted to show what it might be like for the 'Holby Family' in the aftermath of such a disaster, like the helicopter crash. I have worked in the NHS for 30 years as a nurse, and I am proud of the sacrifices I see staff make every day, not to mention when there's a major incident. Also, as you're reading Holby fic, I assume you're happy for some medical details to be included in a story about medical personnel. I make no apologies for judicious use of 'medical speak'!

Serena Campbell was just finishing updating Henrik Hanssen on the days events, and was desperate to get back to the ICU and see how Fletch was doing.

“Thank you, Serena. Keep me informed, please.” Henrik finished, as he moved a pencil on his desk to perfect alignment with the others already resting there.

Serena asked to borrow his phone so she could check on AAU. Permission was duly granted, and so when she had ascertained that all was well, she said her goodbyes to Henrik, and took her leave.

As Serena walked down the corridors of Holby City Hospital, her thoughts turned to Bernie and their shared kiss in the operating theatre. Butterflies filled her stomach as she remembered how in had felt to kiss Bernie Wolfe. She tried to push them to one side as she approached the doors of the ICU and noted the lights had been dimmed. Serena realised just how late it was. As she entered she noted the nurses were handing over. _Was it really 9 o'clock?_ Serena wondered. Making her way to Fletch's bed she noted the flurry of activity around Anne Fitzgerald. _Could that young woman take any more?_ She continued to Fletch's bed were the diminutive, dark-haired, Kelly was handing over his care to her colleague. She busied herself checking Fletch's charts and studying his latest observations, pleased to see that his blood pressure had improved, albeit marginally. She reached out to touch his hand, mindful of the arterial line in his wrist. It still felt cold to her touch, meaning he was still poorly perfused. Kelly had finished handing over, but was in no rush to leave.

“He seems a little better.” Kelly said to Serena. “His vitals have improved. We've had to give him some blood and FFP, as he became coagulopathic, but his latest clotting results are better.” She didn't mention how much FFP they had given, but knew Serena would have seen as she'd studied the fluid administration chart. Graeme Shaw had hardly left Fletch's side since Serena had left to see Henrik Hanssen. His large bulk a reassuring presence for Kelly. He'd only left now to hand over to the night team. “This is Jenny,” she said, introducing her colleague taking over the night shift. Serena nodded to the nurse, whose unruly, curly, red hair threatened to escape the bun she had scraped it into. Tendrils fell down over her forehead as she did all the checks necessary at the start of a shift. She made a list of when everything needed doing, and began to note down Fletch's observations, and update his chart.

Kelly motioned to Serena, taking her to one side. “Jenny's supposed to be on holiday. She's just committed to doing four extra nights, as we're so stretched. She might get a bit tetchy though, as that means she won't get to see much of her partner in the coming days. So please, don't give her a hard time.”

Serena quirked an eyebrow. _Was she known for giving the nurses a hard time?_

Kelly turned to Jenny. “I don't mind staying a while if you want to see Ali for a few minutes before she goes?” she offered. Jenny smiled gratefully and went over to the office where Senior Sister Alison Wylie had just handed over to her night time counterpart. Alison looked weary as she pushed her chair back from the desk. Serena saw Ali's face break out in a joyous smile as Jenny approached, before the blinds were closed and the two had a modicum of privacy.

“Ah,” Serena looked away, turning her attention back to Kelly.

“They're going to be on opposite shifts for the next few days, so handover time is the only time to see each other.” Kelly explained.

Serena marvelled once again at the sacrifices the staff were making in the aftermath of the helicopter crash. Jenny returned a few minutes later, as Ali slung her bag over her shoulder and asked if Kelly wanted to walk out with her.

“I'll just get my stuff.” she replied and headed to the staff room.

Serena settled in the chair next to Fletch and watched as Kelly and Alison left the Unit, waving at them as they did so. As a hush descended over the ICU, the whoosh of ventilators, the occasional alarm of monitors and nurses going about their business as quietly as they could were the only sounds to be heard. Serena squeezed Fletch's hand, speaking to him soothingly.

“Don't you worry about the children. Raf has that all in hand.” she looked at his unmoving face as carried on. “Bernie's beside herself, blaming herself. I tried to reassure her, that you wouldn't blame her, it was just...” Her words tailed off. “You don't need to know about that anyway. Just concentrate on getting well, Super Dad!”

Tears threatened again, as the shock of the day finally caught up with her, and this time she couldn't stop them. _Oh how embarrassing!_ she thought, as she tried to stand and hurry away. Firm hands guided her back to the chair, and Jenny told her, in a voice that brooked no argument, that she wasn't going anyway. A box of tissues appeared and Serena gratefully took one dabbing her eyes, then blowing her nose, rather loudly, relieving the tension somewhat, as they both laughed.

“Enid,” Jenny called over to an HCA. “Can you make Ms Campbell a cup of tea?”

“No problem, I was just going to start a round anyway. You want your usual?”

“Yes, please. Ali said she'd brought in some new teabags, so we don't have to drink NHS issue!”

“Oh there is a God!” Enid asserted, as she moved away. NHS tea was best avoided, in her opinion.

“Thank you,” Serena said.

“You're welcome,” Jenny replied. “You've had a hard day. It can't have been easy operating on a friend.” _and then the rest,_ she thought.

Jenny had heard the rumours. _Who hadn't, when you worked in the same department as noted gossip, Dominic Copeman?_ The rumours that Ms Campbell, the formidable head of AAU, and Ms Wolfe, the ex-army surgeon and head of the newly created Trauma Unit were fast becoming more than just good friends. She was also friends with Lou, who had told her that since the two surgeons had met, the chemistry between them had been noted at 20 paces. Jenny decided not to mention that, though, as she didn't want to overstep the mark.

The tea duly arrived and as Serena sipped it, she continued to sit in her chair at Fletch's bed. In the relative quietness of the ICU, as she watched Jenny and the others go about their duties, and relaxed a little. She closed her eyes and the images of Bernie leaning in to kiss her as they sat on the floor of the operating theatre, came flooding back, accompanied by the now familiar sensation of butterflies. She remembered herself kissing Bernie back, then launching at Bernie desperately wanting to reassure her friend that she were amazing and fantastic and _loved_. Serena gasped as her stomach clenched tightly, and realised that she loved Bernie Wolfe. That raised all sorts of confusing questions in Serena's now racing mind. She thought back over the last few months and realised they had been flirting with each other for most of it, and now she understood why she felt so distressed by Bernie's betrayal. Her heart ached and her hands trembled as she tried to make sense of it. _She'd never been attracted to a woman before, had she? Why now?_ The answer was simple, because despite all her flaws, being annoying and exasperating at times, Bernie Wolfe was the most fantastic, amazing, passionate, fearless person she had ever met. They had connected on a level that Serena had never felt before. Serena wondered what Bernie was doing now, and how she felt. Maybe the kiss had just been an adrenaline fuelled reaction to the horrifying events of the day, and wasn't Bernie involved with Alex Dawson, the anaesthetist that had worked a locum shift, a few weeks ago? The more she thought about it, the more Serena convinced herself that she ought to forget about the kiss, and never mention it again.

Jenny watched the display of emotion passing over Serena's face, and saw when she achieved control, and her face became impassive once more. After finishing her tea, Serena stood. She handed Jenny a piece of paper with her mobile phone number on it.

“I'm going home, to try and sleep. If there's _any_ change, please call me.” Serena pleaded.

“Of course,” Jenny assured her. “Ring any time, if you wake up and want an update.”

Jenny rubbed Serena's arm, hoping she wasn't being over familiar. “Stay strong.” she smled.

On the way out Serena stopped by Anne Fitzgerald's bed for and update. Happy to learn that the young woman was stable once again, Serena contemplated going to the HDU to see Connie. Deciding it was rather late and she'd better not disturb the recovering ED consultant, she left the department and made her way to AAU, where she thought she'd check in before going home. She hoped that Bernie would have already left for the night. The exhaustion she felt after the day's events had left her feeling raw, meaning she was in no position to confront her friend. If truth be told, she wasn't sure if she would ever be in a position to feel comfortable facing Bernie again. _Good God, what a mess! What am I going to do? I can't do this if she doesn't feel the same way_ , she thought. as she swiped her card to gain entrance to the AAU.


	3. Reaction Part 2 Bernie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catching up with Bernie's evening after 'The Kiss'. (That should be the first kiss as we've now very definitely had the second one in 'Life in the Freezer.') Again, there is some discussion of medical matters, and more of the 'Holby Family' introduced last chapter. I have started Chapter 4, so that should be up sooner. If you're still reading I hope you enjoy.

After phoning the psychiatric unit where they had taken James Fielding, and hearing that he was sedated after becoming extremely agitated, Bernie surveyed AAU.  The night shift had taken over a little while ago, and all appeared quiet. Sacha had told her he was going to stay for a while, and she was fast running out of excuses to leave, or more to the point, to visit Fletch. The guilt was eating away at her. She closed her eyes as she remembered Fletch on the operating table, bleeding out. _And it's all your fault!_ Bernie shook her head; she knew recriminations would not help. She approached Sacha at the nurses' station and put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I think I'll call it a night.” Bernie smiled, tiredly.

 

“Absolutely! Yes, right, no problem.” Sacha answered. “I'm not going to be much longer myself.” He smiled back at Bernie.

 

Bernie walked purposefully to the ICU after collecting her bag and coat. As she traversed the corridors of the hospital she has begun to call home, she tried hard not to think about that kiss with Serena. _Well the fact that you accosted her...although_ _she responded, kissed you back._ Bernie let out a frustrated sigh. Serena had been so kind to her, when she didn't really warrant it. Bernie remembered how her heart leapt at Serena's lovely words. _She thinks I'm fantastic!_ Bernie felt her heart speed up and her mouth go dry at the thought. As she rounded the corner to ICU, she saw Serena leaving and going in the opposite direction. Bernie quickly ducked into a convenient store cupboard, leaning against the door and closing her eyes. _Oh God, what have I done! I can't face her. What if she hates me?_

 

When she was sure the coast would be clear, Bernie took a deep breath and opened the door. She smiled at a passing porter, who looked somewhat bewildered to see the surgeon coming out of the closet.

 

As she entered the ICU, Bernie noticed that there was a huddle around Anne Fitzgerald's bed, including one of the senior intensivists, Ruth Pritchard, which was never a good sign. She hadn't seen any friends or relatives come to visit or enquire about the young woman, and she hoped there was someone, somewhere who cared about her on a personal level. She noticed a radiographer taking a chest X ray, and as she moved over to see how she was, Bernie saw a chest drain had been placed in the left side of Anne's chest.

 

“Tension pneumothorax.” Ruth said by way of greeting. Bernie appreciated the no frills approach of her colleague. ”We've had to re-intubate her and adjust the ventilator pressures, as well as put in the chest drain. She's a fighter, this one.” She added.

 

Bernie nodded. Anne had already beaten the odds several times. Some patients got to you, and Anne was certainly one of those.

 

Moving over to Fletch's bed she was greeted by his lifeless form. _Oh God, what have I done! Please don't leave those children orphans._ Jenny looked up from preparing a solution of morphine and introduced herself. As Jenny checked the solution with a colleague, Bernie took time checking Fletch's notes and charts. Noting his still low, though improved, BP and the copious amounts of blood, platelets and FFP he'd been given, Bernie started to shake uncontrollably feeling even more guilty. Taking a deep breath she urged herself to calm down. _Get a grip, Wolfe._ She sternly told herself. _People_ _are_ _depend_ _ing_ _on you._ Jenny finished changing the syringe of morphine over, handed the CD book to her colleague. Seeing she was free, Bernie asked Jenny about Fletch.

 

“He's stable; his latest blood results are better and he's no longer hypothermic.” Although she didn't mention it, Jenny knew Bernie would be thinking about the 'Trauma Triad'*

 

Bernie felt suddenly light headed from the effects of the long day and the fact she couldn't remember the last time she had eaten anything.  Jenny noticed the colour drain from Bernie's face and gently guided her to the chair, recently vacated by Serena.

 

“Easy does it.” Jenny said, kindly as she guided Bernie's head between her knees. “Deep breaths now.” Bernie was too weak to do anything but comply.

 

Noticing the scene from where she was putting away the stores, Enid hurried over.

 

“Cup of tea, and some biscuits, for Ms Wolfe?” she enquired of Jenny.

 

“Indeed.” Jenny replied.

 

Bernie was no stranger to late night visits to ICU, and Enid was only too aware that she preferred coffee, but she also knew what was called for now was hot, strong tea.

 

Returning with the hot steaming brew, and a selection of biscuits she placed them within Bernie's reach.

 

“Thank you.” Bernie managed, weakly, as she sat upright, gingerly.

 

Taking a sip, Bernie let the hot liquid warm her.  She dunked a biscuit in her tea and took a bite, realising just how hungry she was.

 

“Feeling better, ma'am?” Jenny asked, after she'd completed Fletch's latest observations. “They're good,” she indicated to Fletch's chart.

 

Bernie did a double take, did she just hear Jenny call her ma'am, or was it a figment of her sleep-deprived brain? She looked at Jenny with a puzzled expression.

 

“Sorry, force of habit.” Jenny said. “Captain Jennifer Walsh, QARANC**. Well I'm a Reserve now, but old habits die hard.” and she held out her hand.

 

Taking it Bernie shook it firmly. “Pleased to meet you."

 

“I, too, have been blown up by an IED. Luckily I wasn't seriously injured. Perhaps we should form a club?” Jenny asked.

 

Bernie laughed at that; a bitter laugh. The unspoken truth between them, that it would be a very small club. Not many survived being blown up by IEDs. “How long did you serve as a regular?”

 

“Seventeen years, I served in Iraq and Afghanistan.” Jenny replied.

 

“Impressive. why did you leave?” Bernie enquired, then added quickly. “Sorry, it's none of my business.”

 

“I fell in love.” A simple statement.

 

“And he didn't approve?”

 

Jenny smiled at the assumption. “Actually, s _he_ didn't mind but I'd never had anyone else to worry about before and it became difficult spending time apart.”

 

“Oh!” Bernie said. “Sorry, one shouldn't make assumptions.” she smiled.   _Seeing as how you fell in love with a woman in the army._ Alex flooded Bernie's brain again causing her to feel renewed guilt. _What a mess my life is!_

 

“So I got a nice civilian job at the hospital she works at, in the same department, no less, and now we see less of each other than we did before!” Jenny said. “Or so it seems, sometimes,” she added, wistfully.

 

“Does it work?” Bernie asked. “Working together, I mean?” she added, thinking about her and Serena, _Do I want a relationship with_ _Serena_ _? Would that work?_

 

“Most of the time!” Jenny answered. “I wouldn't be without her.”

 

Bernie drank her tea in silence, as she watched Jenny resume her observations and update Fletch's notes. She suddenly felt extremely tired, and realised she ought to go to bed. Standing slowly, her body aching with the effort, she turned to Jenny who was preparing to take Fletch's next lot of blood from his arterial line.

 

“I'd better be off.” Bernie smiled, tiredly.

 

“Call the Unit any time for an update.” Jenny said, just as she'd said to Serena earlier. After a moment's thought she scribbled down her mobile number, and handed it to Bernie. Just in case you want to talk to someone who understands, sometime. Civilians are OK, but they don't always _get it._ Although it looks like we're both civilians now.”

 

“I miss the life, sometimes.” _The discipline, the rules, what Alex and I shared…_

 

Jenny nodded knowingly, and shook Bernie's hand again. “Goodnight, ma'am!”

 

“Goodnight, Captain.” Bernie responded. “I'm sure I'll see you soon.”

 

Bernie picked up her things and exited ICU. Walking out of the main hospital building to the hospital accommodation she had acquired since she had realised she couldn't live in a hotel room forever, she contemplated her life, once more. _When di_ _d_ _my life get so complicated?_ She thought. _What was that quote by Walter Scott, oh yes; “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice, to deceive.”_

 

Entering her lonely, sparsely furnished flat, she dumped her bag and coat and stripped of, getting under the shower to try and scrub the day away. As the water cascaded over her body, her thoughts once again turned to the kiss she had shared with Serena. She couldn't help the moan that escaped from her lips, as she remembered the feel of Serena's lips on hers and Serena's hand gripping her arm and then her shoulder. The familiar sensation of butterflies in her stomach, the quickening of her heart and the dryness in her mouth, could all be explained physiologically, but Bernie had no desire to so. She wanted to revel in the feelings for now.  Drying herself, Bernie entered her bedroom, pulling on a comfy pair of pyjamas, and snuggling under the duvet. She tried to close her eyes, and sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. Despite being beyond tired, her brain refused to switch off.. Thoughts swirled and tangled, guilt building, until Bernie had little choice but to get out of bed and pull on her dressing gown. Stepping in her slippers she grabbed a packet of cigarettes off the chest of drawers along with a lighter and made her way to the fire exit. She pushed her way through the fire door, and up the ladder to the roof. Since moving here she had spent many an hour on the roof contemplating what was wrong with her life. Lighting the cigarette and inhaling deeply, she sat down, surveying the view. The hospital at night. Still a bustling metropolis. It's own city, with it's own big family, and it's own rules. _Not unlike the Army,_ she thought. As she smoked the cigarette, she thought about her life once more. _What the_ _hell_ _am I supposed to do? Why do I keep messing up, hurting people I care about? Marcus,_ _and the children,_ _Alex and now Serena._ Finishing her cigarette, Bernie stood, going back inside, exhaustion catching up with her. Even so, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without help. Knowing she had a day off, she poured herself a large tumbler of whisky, and took a sip, savouring the taste, then knocked the rest of it back and poured herself another, waiting for the amber liquid to work it's magic, and bring much needed sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The 'Trauma Triad of death' is a recognised relationship between acidosis, hypothermia and coagulopathy which increases mortality in patients with severe trauma.
> 
> **QARANC is Queen Alexandra's Royal Army Nursing Corp. The character of Captain Jennifer Walsh is based on a friend of mine who served within it's ranks for many years, and continues to do so in the Army Reserve.


End file.
